Dark Honesty into Light

Tail End

2012-01-23T11:05:00.002-06:00

Just when I hear myself say, I'm at the tail end of this process and I am claiming my spot in the world, there is another tale...

Life is so much more clear from here and then there is more...

More? thank you...I think...

I though that was it, I thought I was done, sometimes I even thought I was done in...

There is more clarity and shaping of my world from this ego dismantling that hit like a mac truck 3 1/2 years ago,,,,,

I thought I could make solid decisions and move forward with a plan, I thought I could announce to the world how it is that I do this life thing.

and wouldn't you know it.....there is another tail...or is it a tale.

How much is uncovering the story, the broken, the tale and how much is getting to the end of the tail.

Is that not what life is, is that not what relationships are meant for...to get to the tail end of the story so we actively live the truth?

Is there really a there at all? An end to the tale? this is not my experience____

Another angle to the story, another angle to the discovery,,,,the there is not a there at all,,,,it is discovery, it is all discovery....nothing more, nothing less.

As I continue to put the pieces together that make up my life (as if its broken,,,,), as I mold and shape what I am and what my life looks like, smells like, tastes like, breathes like....discover my life's tale,,,,I will chase my tail less and less.....

There is always more, there is always molding, it is the judgment of our life experience and discovery that makes it feel lost, un finished, or wrong somehow.

Let the discovery continue, let the molding be naked and true, let the truth that I can do whatever I want, feel empowering rather than intimidating.

Moving.....

2011-10-02T19:35:00.000-05:00

To everyone who follows this blog,,,,,first of all,,,,thank you for being here, I enjoy all of your insights and your support. second of all, I am moving to Word Press.

Come with me, comment, enjoy the new surroundings and easy smart phone apps.....

www.ReneeBeese.wordpress.com

Every Corner

2011-09-21T13:55:00.004-05:00

I heard it said the other day "Around Every Corner, There is Another Great Love."

I believe this too! on so many levels I believe this too.

WooHoo, permission to be!!

my first thought is one of romance,,,,,of course.

my second thought is what type of love? the right kind of love, the all kind of love......just love.

my faith tells me there is no right one, not just one compatible partner, not just one person to spend all of my living days with....

my life examples this to me all the time. life shifts, moves, changes, ebbs, flows, loves together, loves differently around every corner.

my heart tells me this idea of forever in a box is not right with nature, not compatible with the universe, is not of love.....

man i wish i could have been this free and confident my whole life, free from shame and ideals of right and wrong from limits and so much fear.

my children would have had a different imprint from my experiences and love relationships than what they did get from me. i have said it and seen it in my missteps that my air of confidence and right with any of my actions is what sets the tone, the teachings, the reality for others whether it were my kids, my grand babies, clients or friends.

humbly and excitedly i get to be this example of freedom in love, freedom to be, freedom to live in good boundaries of this way to be around the corner

my relationships are of that corner love, my breathe easy and my focus on what moves in me with a right heart, a love heart. no human expectations or agendas, just love.

this means i live in and from a place of respect, of true honor, free of attachment,,,,for the most part or until i don't get my way ;)... i give it my all to live from this freedom of love, i certainly have put my time in and earned my stripes to reach this corner place, to peak around and possible see the whole of the corner.

my entire adult life i have sought and striven to locate this togetherness around every corner, this form of love in nature and of the corner itself.

i feel as if i have a really good taste of the corner, this loving from love, just love,,,,,this is good....the corner is good.

so much more to see in me, so much more support to give, so much togetherness in life and relationship is offered and exchanged in this corner place, so much God experience,,,,

i live just around the corner....lets meet there for some time,,,,,,,i would love to see what your corner looks like and share happiness from my corner place too....

I Pray All Day Long

2011-09-20T16:50:00.000-05:00

I pray for clarity, I pray for peace, I pray for understanding, compassion and right turns.....

My words are valuable when I pray, my words are valuable when I speak, when I listen, when I think and when I contemplate....

My words, they hold life giving or life taking energy whether they leave my head, whether they spill out into the world, whether they leave my lips or whether I keep them in my heart for later,,,,,,they hold value and they hold life giving light.....

My words in my prayers, all of my words hold light,,,,,,

This is why I am so care filled when I speak, care filled when I think of you, care filled when I offer support, care filled when I hold you dear, care filled when I am near.....or far....

either way, all the way, I pray all day, I am care filled in every word....

falling...

2011-09-17T15:40:00.000-05:00

We fall in love, we fall and sometimes we fall out of where we just fell....at least the same kind of love we had in the beginning of our relationship.

We fell, did we, or are we moving in love, the between, the changing, the ever shifting....love of nature.

I look around and see the whole world move, slip, twirl, turn, change, magically becoming....

Is not love the same thing?

Moving

The falling and the love, one piece, one in nature of relationship and the nature of love relationship.

What is not natural in love is resentment, expectation, hurtful interactions when the love changes projection of an idea of love rather than the love itself.

What is natural is loss when love moves and changes, heartache, uncomfortable in the twists and turns.....

I pray for grace to be the difference in me from love in nature and love in crisis......I choose grace.

My Strange Dream

2011-09-03T16:29:00.000-05:00

The greatest power of creation is conception

Conception of your mouth, your words, your memory

Conception of your arms, your hands, your holding

Conception of your back, spine, your support, your head, your hair, your mind

Conception of your chest, your ribs, your heart

Your belly, guts and your knowing

I hear conception in your voice

I see conception in your eyes

I feel conception in your soul

The greatest vision of creation is the imprint in you, the essence of Spirit, your spirit

The greatest proof of Creation, Proof of god,,,is you

It is the essence of me, the creation of you, the belief in we

Listen to the humming in the soul,

do now, go now, do this, be this,

now

I AM

2011-08-31T08:34:00.001-05:00

I am that person, the one who believes, the one who knows....

I am the nice one, loving one, optimistic one, eternal healer one, know er of light.

I have no grief or lose over not being tough, angry or hidden.

I had spent much of my life attempting to fit in where I didn't ever belong....lost, lonely, angry, tough or hidden...

I am that person believing in the real me, real life, the one absent of rage, fear or war. The meditative, mover, feeler of goodness....

I choose my words because they matter, I choose my space because it matters, I choose my company because it matters...

I live from this place of bliss, not a state of bliss...a place of bliss.

I live in the land of miracles,,,,

I meditate,chant, love easily, love well, see life as possibility.

I am "that" person.

I Am in Love, not the kind created out of an ego idea of control over another, not the kind that confines or restricts but the kind that loves.

It's not that hard really,,,,

Show up

Love

Support

Respect

Believe....in me and outpouring to you.

Not difficult,,,also not of the ego.....so unless we, you, me live from our God place,,,,well, then love is difficult.

I am that person who finds love easy,,,,,,expresses love easily and with many people,,,,interesting that somehow I had believed that was ....wrong....used to explain myself to others,,,,,,defend and even apologized for being "too" giving or unwilling to confine my love????

easy to say, easy to give and ,,,,easy to receive from me, you, God and back around again

easy

I am that person,,,,that person who knows......knows what she wants, what she needs, what I see and how to get ....it.....all.

I am that person who sees and believes in peace, I don't need to look at you and see anything different, I don't see the world as hard, defensive or defenseless.....

I am one of those people who is at ease with myself, with you, with God, with.....well.....just about everything.

I am that person who sees, believes, receives and lives in light and peace,,,,I have no need to explain myself of who I am,,,...I am that person and it feels right to.....be....

in Love

in Joy

in Harmony

in Balance with what I am

It's not that difficult,,,,I just am.

I don't need to be with your difficulty to prove my peace, Why would I need to fix you to be comfortable in my love, I don't need to know war, anger, resistance, hardness, fight, rage, or fear to see my perfection....and I no longer need to believe in me any other way.

I am one of those people who lives a peaceable life. I am that person who receives a peaceable life.

Why would I ever feel a need to explain or defend or apologize....for that?

I don't, I won't, I live, I Love, I receive, I Am.

I Got from My EX

2011-08-18T13:07:00.000-05:00

If I did this right I should have a really good list of echoes for me to hear and see about myself.

Anyone can run rampant bitching and complaining about the man/woman we once loved....

How vicious we are, how animalistic, how violent we can be and are towards this person we once called beloved.

What are we doing to get to that place, how can we claim love and then turn rage,,,,breathing life/death into the same face....

If I did this right I would say that I got from my ex:

a deep deep sense of humility

a humble humble approach to life, I didn't have that nearly as much as I thought I did,,,,

an awareness of respect.....for me,,,,was missing "before",,,yes and a respect for him too,,,,,,from me....was missing "before"...

a motor home to live and work in, never thought of that on my own....what an amazing and perfect way of life for me.....duh!

a brand new life filled with protection for what I value, how I live, who I lye down with, when and where I go or stay....

a complete obliteration of fantasy in special relationship,,,,,this was necessary and oh so excruciating

reflections of my words,,...what I am really saying

a reflection of my work,,,,,,good work

the fragile essence of what is valuable

the thin line of neglect

the testing line of abuse

the feeling of innocence and the agony of loosing the same innocence

sexual power.....the loss of....the power of.....

If I did this right I would have to say, I got from my ex,,,,many many many blessings and because I did this wrong,,,,I don't get to tell him ....thank you

Each Pound has Purpose

2011-07-30T18:27:00.000-05:00

This one is for being a shitty mom

this pound for being a bitch

The next,,,,,,for being angry

another, for not fixing you

one more for being a slut

another,,,,,,being a shitty mom, oh I said that already,,,,that deserves two

one pound for not knowing how to be a part of,,,,,,,just about anything

one more for changing my mind,,,,all the time

another for hurting you

being gullible, innocent, vulnerable,

another for hurting me

for being rich, for being poor,

for knowing "everything" - for knowing nothing

one more pound for being a sexual pervert,,,,,,,cuz I like sex, oh yea I said that one earlier too :)

another, another, one more, one more....

whewwww how many is that I lost count.....

oh yea that's the point,,,,I lost count of all the reasons, non reasons, real reasons, made up reasons and the like to hold this, that, the other against myself....in pounds.

and its twenty by the way, twenty reasons, twenty holding against, twenty places of holding on to non forgiveness, real forgiveness,,,,,twenty pounds of self hatred,,,,,,or it, this, that would not be there,,,,,,,,I would not be yelling at you, would not be calling you angry, abusive, violent, perverted, ignorant, careless,,,,,I would not be seeing this in front of me, I would not be engaged in relationship with someone so absent to holding me, I would not be matching consciousness with that, you, there,,,,if I lived, felt believed and truly had forgiven myself.

Each pound, one area of my life I have not forgiven myself for, eating more than, eating harmful food, sweet foods to feel "sweeter", eating,,,,,to avoid the haunting in my belly that hates me,,,,,,1, 2, 3, 4,,,,,, for being me.

Each pound has a purpose, a purpose of non forgiveness.

Control

2011-07-25T13:17:00.004-05:00

I get it....the passive in you, the power it brings, the surge of control you feel.

I get it,,,,like I get having to jump right in and say something when its none of my business, when I speak louder to be heard in the crowd, when I feel anxious to get my point across,,,,,I get it,,,,,the passive.

It may not be my nature, but I get it....

There is great power in holding back, keeping what I ask for to comfort me,,,,,just out of my reach....great charge of energy when you withhold the giving in what I need.....control in this place of resisting the connection, resisting the need satisfied.

I get it,,,,,

I too get to decide in every one of my surging moments if I will come closer or pull away....

Don't believe for one moment that your urgency to pull away is any less or any bigger than mine, ,,, , , ,

I too get to decide in those moments of choice to come closer, be vulnerable, get deeper, noticing what you need and stretch out to make sure you get that even though I am needing too....

I too get frightened and want to be alone rather than give in to the innocence I believe I should be afraid of....

I too know what that is like....

Mine is just louder than yours....and yours....well no less damaging.

You think the silence is less harmful than the loud in me?

You think the silence is any less detectable as being abusive than the loud in me....

Oh honey, I got your number, I get your game, I have seen this before,,,,this place of power, control and withholding....

I know this is just as, is as, powerful as, sinister as, evil as, wicked as....

The silence, the withholding, the control by not giving me what I need,,,,,keeping it just out of reach,,,,,,I know this place, this cruel place,,,, this un happy place.....

Power my dear does not come from there, Power my dear one does not come from the loud either,,,,power comes in the moment of deciding to speak the fear, the moment of coming back to the connection, the moment of moving ahead,,,,,anyway.....

Power, Control, in Charge is always always always always,,,,,,here,,,,,,,it is not,,,,,there.....

What is that Anyway

2011-07-24T00:00:00.000-05:00

I'm not struggling, life is not hard, I'm not having a difficult time, I don't self sabotage myself, I am not guilt ridden, I feel good,,,,, really good.

Life is full, fun, easy, transparent, I feel innocent, giddy, joyful and overflowing with love.

After 27 years of hard core attention to the needs of my soul, life is good.

After that many years of recovery themselves,,,,, I'm still tripping, I'm still struggling, I have it hard, life happens to me, you hurt me,,,,,is this an honorable badge of suffering,,,,a pride to hanging on to life is tough and I will push my way through,,,,,,,where is the respond ability for what we create.....and if life doesn't get easy at some point....what is the point?

I have witness to this in life, my life and in self proclaimed recovery programs with steps in them.....really is this what we do,,,,in life,,,,in recovery.,,.,,,.,,do most or many people in the world live from this perspective of suffering being normal, addiction to drama is "in"?.

Is this a badge of honor to suffer, to live a hard life, to be a victim? Is this the popular belief,,,,,what is wrong with being ok,,,,really ok,,,,happy perhaps,,,,,loving each other,,,,,really,,,,,from that place of ease,that place of joy?

Is this the truth of the masses, of our human condition, is this what recovering steps are about,,,,,,not using drugs but keeping the life is happening to me and I suffer part?

Is the unpopular belief is to be holy, feel good and blessed?

After 15, 20, 25 years of recovery in my soul, recovering my gentle heart....I can honestly say, I have done just that, recovered my soul. I am no longer addicted to addiction, the model, the idea of, the behavior, the drama, the victim, the misery.....the badge.

I have no need to .....need....

No suffering in life,,,,optional from where I sit....unpopular belief,,,,blank faces when I share my joy of freedom,,,,,,keep your addiction to addiction and misery, oh and here's the badge, whatever that is for,,,,,,,I'm ok,,,,,I'll be the unpopular and be happy.

The Floor Dropped Out

2011-07-19T15:59:00.000-05:00

from underneath my feet,,,,,just gone, no fear, no angels singing, no quick breathe, just dropped,,,,,gone.

In one single moment the floor dropped out from underneath my feet and I could see the fight in me.

The fight with christian philosophy, the fight with the way the campground is managed, the fight with spirituality and the concept of and the flaws within and without, the fight about 12 step programs and the hippocracy of it all, the addiction to drama, the family dynamic, the fight with authority, even though I have been one of those, the fight in restaurants to serve good food, the fight against republicans, the fight against politics, the fight about Oshkosh, the fight against conservative thinking and beliefs, the fight against men, against women, the fight for and against parents, adolescents, kids, animals, friends, family,,,,,

Is there anything left,,,,,just fight.

It dropped right out from underneath my feet,,,,,,the fight gone, released, forgotten, forgiven of me to be so ridiculous, so blind, so resistant to life itself.

I was one of those people, the complainer, the critic, the judge, the god in all righteousness....

This was shown to me over and over again by bringing people in front of me that I was irritated with, aggressive people, resistant people, argumentive people, projective people.

Of course I know the rules, of course I teach the principles that what I see in others that I don't like.....is me....

I heard myself say, "I used to be nice" and thought to myself, when did I decide not to be, I know when, I see the how and I know the trail back which I have been on for some time now,,,,,,well no more walking, the floor dropped out from underneath my feet and this is done.

I just didn't see, how irritating I was, I just didn't see the negativity, I didn't see how often my mind went there, there, there and back there, again.

There are things to notice, be selective in my relationships, which ones to nurture, which ones to let go, knowing this is right order not me being wrong. Wisdom is not hanging on to everyone one and every thing with ideas of desperation and self blame.

Smart choices about where I am , where I live, what I do,,,,,noticing the cues from God, from inside of me, the cues that light up or stop me when asking the question,"Is this where my light shines?"

This is the power point, this is the surge of energy that flows from God that comes underneath the negative,,,,if I look.

It is the perception of being out of power and the perception of being inside of my power that has kicked my ass,,,,and you have been witness to my ass kicked and being in company with that ass.......sorry bout that.

This is life too, all of it, in spite of it, because of it, inside and out of it.

This is all so clear to me, now that I have fallen, now that the fight is over,,,,

I can gracefully go, and live my life.

OGFY

2011-07-13T14:22:00.001-05:00

Sit with that for a moment and see what comes to you,

What acronym jumps into your head what would, could, should these letters mean?

Where in my life does this apply,

Where am I at mentally when I imagine these letters and their possible meaning....

My emotional state,,,well depending on the moment or the day,,,,the letters can be more peaceable or not so...

My spirit wants to imagine nice words, peaceful words, loving words, meaningful words....God centered words that come from these 4 letters....

My juvenile wants to be naughty, silly, sexual or even defiant :)

They came to me at coffee, with a friend, a fellow leader in this community, a spiritual leader at that!

These simple four letters brought deep laughter and a phrase that will undoubtedly haunt me, follow me, impress new stories, shock people, amaze others and offend a few,,,,,,well into my 80s......

Ohm......

Go

Fuck

Yourself :)

Coloring Book

2011-07-09T08:41:00.000-05:00

The house isn't clean anymore,,,,,since then....

we moved somewhere new, more alone, more isolated than before

life is closed in here, it was before too

the house doesn't get cleaned anymore,,,,

I think she used to try, she used to cry allot too when she tried, but then again she cried allot even when she didn't try.....

It was all too much for her, all too many rules, too much to do, too many kids, not enough adults

There isn't anyone here to help, we feel so alone, the house isn't clean anymore

I remember the day, its hard to forget, I have never tried to forget, its in there pretty good.

the cleaning was happening, we were all running so frantically, dusting, putting away, dusting, putting away...

and there it was, the simple item on the floor and now in my hands,,,,,,just five year old little hands...

what do I do, she is so upset, what do I do, she is angry, what do I do, she will see me, what will I do, she won't forgive me,

If I move she will see me, if I don't she will see me, if I look for the new place for the book she will notice, if I don't look around she will notice I'm not moving,,,,,what should I do

Make a decision quick, make it quietly, make it now,,,,,,I can't move

I don't know where this coloring book goes, I know where it used to go and she found a new spot and I don't know where

It won't matter that I don't know where, it won't matter that it is somewhere new, it will only matter that I don't know and I'm not moving and she is mad, and she is crying,

It won't matter that I am five, it won't matter that I don't know, it only matters that I don't know where it goes....

Off the chair she comes, arms a flailing, mouth moving fast, loud, loud, very loud but I don't hear her I just see her coming.....

grabbing me fast, grabbing me hard, up I go, where is the coloring book now,,,,,I don't know,,,, up I go some more, loudly, hard, fast, scary,,,,I would think,,,,,I'm not here, I am here, I don't feel anything, I feel everything, I don't hear her, I don't see her, I see everything, I know it all.

The coloring book is gone, I'm high in the air, my little body lifeless,,,,i think,,,,,maybe I held on tightly for dear life, maybe I grabbed her back for some sense of safety from my mother......

Down I go, I don't recall hitting the floor, at that point I checked out, I feel the thud, I sense the floor giving underneath me, I know I hit hard, now I am gone.

"you have to talk to her" is the first thing I hear, "you can't be mad at her forever" my grandmother says to me......where did these people come from, where did I go, what time is it? where were you before this happened, why weren't you here to protect me, I think as I look into her eyes.

My dad is here too, in the kitchen consoling her,,,,,not me,,,,,her,,,,,telling her "it's ok".....is it really?

They can't hide this one, my arm is broken and away I go......in the car with lies to tell,,,,,,rehearsed with my dad knowing exactly what to say.......

I wonder today why i get so enraged when I see a man being less than what I believe he can be? My whole life I had heard from my Dad how much he loved me and wasn't able to show it, how much he knew the hell we were in when he walked out the door and he walked anyway,,,,,to go play with his friends, laugh and spend money we didn't have....hmmmmm, looks oddly played out in my world form time to time....

the doctor asked me what happened to my arm, the story so gull ably untrue to the average bear much less a doctor too.

Ask me again in front of my Dad and see if I tell you the truth.....what a lie I told, what a lie you heard, what a lie I rehearsed, what a lie you told,,,,

Every time I tell this story i see something new, every time I feel this story I actually feel parts of it and see the echoes in my life more clearly, even in this story today I see threads I did not feel before, connections to my attempt at an adult relationship and my attractions to the same old lies,,,,,,

Its not love then if it is threaded with lies. I'm not sure if I will ever get to feel real love then, I'm still working on loving me in every way that i can.

I can cry for me about this experience today, I never used to be able to feel any of it at all, I guess some things take time, I feel sadness and great great empathy for me, for the little little girl who was so terrorized, the little girl who had to think that hard over a coloring book. I feel that today, i feel sadness for her today, for me today.

the coloring book? Never did find out where it was supposed to go.

The house didn't get cleaned anymore after that, I guess that was her punishment, our punishment for her sins.

May I

2011-07-07T08:54:00.002-05:00

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

May I love so deep that I never feel alone,

may I love so deeply to never want more,

may I love this deep to never believe the piece of pie, the cigarette, the drink, the smoke, the man will ever need or could begin to fill or match me.....

may I love this deep to never see an empty well but a deep cavern of all ready never ending possibility.

May I feel so happy never to want, never to believe in lack or to see pain

to have no comprehension of sadness for another....

to loose the fight in me, the idea of resistance, my need to push and pull,

to be so swallowed by the purity of love and of light that there is,,,,nothing else.

May I , May I, May I

feel so deeply,

be this deeply,

believe this deep

with all that is real, how is it even possible to see another as a need, desire or lack of anything,,,,

with all so real how is it possible for me to see you as an attack onto me.....

may I know love as love is,,,how it is,,,,how could it be anything other than......

Is it personal, of course it is,

my personal,

my knowing,

my love,

my dedication,

my care,

my personal care,

my personal attending

My Love.....

How does that work...

2011-07-05T09:52:00.009-05:00

You held me Once and walked away,,,,,how does that work anyway?

I am flesh and blood,,,,,,your flesh and blood.

You held me once and then....just walked away

now today, well today

How does that work anyway....to be more loyal to your fear than your love you claim to have for me, with me, how does that work anyway.....

was it easy to walk away, did it pull at your heart, was it difficult in the least or were you so convinced that it was some how for the best....

to walk away...

it wasn't personal I have heard you say, you were afraid, you couldn't be who you wanted to be, it wasn't personal....

of course it's fuckin personal,,,,

I'm the one left here with a broken heart, broken love, twisted attractions in today, beloved to men who are .....well, like you,,,,,walking away as if love is not real, walking away as if it is all about them, walking away saying oops, I couldn't show up, my bad.....

is this where I step in and take care of you?

fuck your bad, just walk away.

New Address

2011-06-13T20:25:00.000-05:00

Mommy I changed my address

I don’t live here anymore
I moved to a new place.

I wanted you to know where to find me,
In case you want to talk

I don’t live in the same place
This just wasn’t working out for me here

I believe my job has finished
And I get to move out and on to a better place

I looked around and thought that there must be work for me elsewhere
So I moved out

My address is undefined and it will be hard for me to explain how to get here

You see the move was so fast I could hardly keep up with all the directions
And so here it goes, I will do my best to help you find my new home

If you go beyond the pain and into the light
You will find me

Go past the fear and into your heart
You will feel me

Look into the purple sky I painted for you
You will see me

I hope this helps you find my new home
I really do love it here
Enjoy your visits and come often

Please tell everyone where I am and ask them to visit too
I am not lonely here I just love to keep in touch with everyone who helped me move into my new home

Human Race

2011-06-12T09:27:00.000-05:00

I keep myself unhappy, just happy enough

I am healthy...just not too

My misery gone for the most part but I keep some around just in case.

My feelings are balanced except when I put things in my body that force me to have to manage....

I guess I get bored

Life runs smoothly, I always get what I want....

You would think I would leave things smooth but don't . . . . .
stir it up I say, life uncomfortable, tossed about and upside down is the way I roll.

Leave life peaceful, easy, powerfully creative....are you nuts!

I'm addicted to chaos....obviously.....get off the train you say.....have you lost your mind?

This is the way I roll, this is the human race....

Real Relationship

2011-06-02T11:47:00.000-05:00

Reflection of the Self.....InToMeISee
When did we buy into this idea that relationship was about happiness, fidelity, life long committment, you do for me what I can not-will not do for myself....

The real purpose of relationship is to reflect me,,,,,wounded or holy....a reflection....

My first romantic relationship I could see the sweet love in me, the beginning of life beyond the home I was in,,,,

As I was beaten in my second romantic relationship I could see choice, I was taught options, submission to the darkest part of my own beliefs in value, purpose and the bad me....

Another taught me the truth of what I know, the strength that I am, my strength of denial, my willingness to ignore my best judgements....

As I lye in sexual foolishness of myself I am taught that sex is just sex and not love at all even though my mind tells me different.....looks like sex, feels like sex, sounds like sex,,,,its sex.....

Yelling at me that I SAID WHAT I SAID I learned that what I said,,,,I did say,,,according to what I know not what you tell me.

Hidden from the world as if I were a shameful dirty secret,,,,I learned about my dirty, my secrets, my shame, my hidden believe that I was not good enough or that I really should look, act, be a certain way in order to be accepted or a part of.....

Sixth,,,,,Abuse is abuse even when it is dressed up and "profesional"

Seven, in love for the sake of children destroys relationship with my children....

Eight,,,,Nine,,,,Life evolves, forgiveness is free, my creation is my creation, my worth comes from my belief of me, my happiness always my hapiness, value is embossed in my belly - in my heart- you are an echo of all these feelings not the cause of....

Gossip, betrayal, loyalty?! How could you talk about me behind my back, tell lies about what I did or did not do? How could you???? Thank you for showing me how I betrayed myself, how I lied about who I am, showing me the gossip of me from me.....thank you for hurting me so I could see how I hurt you,,,or you,,,,or you.....

Ten,,,,clean my attachment and imprint of molestation, value, purpose, love....

Relationship teaches my hell and echos my heaven,,,,Nothing More, Nothing Less.

Big, recent, significant realtionship.....seeing clearly conclusions about what this should, will, and can look like,,,, my conclusions not God's.

My abuse is real,,,,,my power is great,,,,I need the same that I give in order to be in balance.....

I can not do "it" alone inside a significant relationship....I will die.....

I am brought to the perfect person in order to see me, it is within my power, my reflection what I will, can, could, would, should do with this mirror....

This is on me,,,,not you....

Now relationship,,,,,anger is good, anger is spiritual, mutual support is real, love is real, love is sweet, I am supportive, recieving is easy, I am not alone, don't need to be alone to be my whole self,,,,,,,yea....

Powerful, I think so, I know so,,,oh that was relationship 12 and 13 :)

Fourteen,,,,,One hundred percent responability for my choices, my love, my reality, my reflection, my heart, my health, my relationship.

Fifteen,,,,,,relationship is relationship,,,with no agendas, we can be, learn, grow, change, evolve and love purely.....

More to come......yea......

Blind Side

2011-05-07T09:08:00.000-05:00

Anticipation of love

Hope of a future

Excitement of anew

Letting it be, letting it become in right order without stick'n my grabby little paws in there...

My heart is engaged, it has been here before, its been a while but I do remember the engagement.

can I trust what I feel, do I dare, can I believe in love rather than the hell perception of fuck'n it up?

What if my attractions are broken?

Can I afford another two year recovery from "love", do I have the capacity to love or is it tragedy happening.

Will I fuck up by being my evil self?

Is it fate in relationship for me?

Can I let anticipation be excitement, will I allow the innocent to care through or will I fall into past pain and live from there? It is "safe" in this way to not trust what is in front of me.

Trust the fall, trust hope, trust...

Can I, will I....leave it alone, let it grow, be in the day, in the moment, relish the discovery...

It is possible for me to return to hell or was it hell after all and life adjusting,,,,me.

Life adjusting in ways I could not see, life adjusting what was broken and now, now is it aligned in a right way? is it where it belongs in order to live from the trust, live from the innocence? It was shown so precious, shown to me what to never loose, vigilance, shown to me my limits...

I trust adjusting to my blind side, absolute trust...

Will I then be guilty when I don't trust this obvious process of life, will I then be guilty when I blame, project, reject?

Be gently with me in this process of adjustment to my blind side, please hold me dear while I see and learn more of what is real and what lies in alone, call to me the obvious, call to me the clarity I desire, bring this with no pain, bring this as gentle as possible,,,,please.

I promise to listen slowly, sit silent to feel your movement inside of me, your gentle hand that comes, your peaceful awakening that when I busy myself,,,,I miss.

I promise to sit still to see my blind side....leave the manipulating to you, submit to my wants, surrender to your ideas of love, not mine....your ideas of relationship, not mine....

Leave my expectations at the door, expectations of this other person by the way side,,,,

Simple prayer, simple stillness, quiet listening.

Receiving love, well that's another story....

Receiving direction,,,,that's a whole other end of trust....

Receiving from powers that be is easy, receiving from another human being, trusting another human being....or is it the same trusting?

This, receiving, this trusting is a corner of life, a corner of love I have evaded.

If I'm the care taker, if I'm the patient one, if I'm the giving one, the wise one, the compassionate one, the one with color, the understanding one then i am in control, then i don't have to be uncomfortable in the receive, the trusting....

Give into believing you....all too familiar this place of perceived "control", all too familiar the outcome of that place, the inevitable resentment from not receiving back what I give even though I wrote the rules, all too familiar...

The innocence is released when I receive,,,the open heart evident,,,,palpable....

I meet someone who articulates feelings, dimensions of relationship, invites curiosity and questions about his dark side. I meet someone intelligent,,,caring and deciding to act in his caring,,,,and I,,,,,was freaking out.

Can I go there? Will I go there?

I've considered sabotage, I've considered my standard actions of "freedom" and staying single, I've considered keeping myself in this great place that I have created....being alone, being single, being "safe"....so I believed....

Do I want to disrupt that, do I want to take the risk, what is that risk anyway...disturbing my niche in life, relationship chaos, focusing attending to the romantic,,,,do I,,,,do I love my life the way it is?

My stomach in knots...is it resistance to receive to be cared for ,,,really?

Is it resistance to a firm no....depends on how I serve it up? I can pick the parts that I have heard and make it sound like God, I can pick the parts I hear and make it sound like the devil itself....

Is this me seeing and feeling these things or God showing me the way?

There is nothing to say....go be still, listen, feel, be,,,trust the innocence and love the form almighty.....

I don't know how else to trust myself other than moving forward. I hate the feeling broken piece...this fear of me being vulnerable in love with another. I no longer allow this domination inside of me.....no longer be there....be here.

Seatbelt

2011-05-02T23:52:00.000-05:00

Stuck now for three years, I hear it giggle to me "your riding solo my dear, no need for a seat belt, no passenger here".

I pulled, I begged, I caressed,,, no luck, no change, tight and refusing to let go.....

He reaches around, he reaches through, the seat belt releases with ease,,,,no resistance, no hesitation....gliding across his lap, sliding gently and holding his chest.

This new passenger held with ease, held in grace.

What did you do, I asked?

Nothing he replies, I sat down, showed up, reached around and pulled it though.

I hear the wind pass through my soul, amazed of the powers that be, trust and gratitude of the timing of this belt, knowing of a divinity that I do not question, so clear and so real...

Entwined now this passenger and me, breathing as one, together in white light energy of what is.

Entwined you and I, we, no me, is....God.

Held securely, held safely in our ride together, 4 wheels on the ground, all within the simple validation of a seat belt.

oh and PS! thank you up there for making this seat belt magician so damn good looking :)

Single Pane

2011-04-03T15:38:00.000-05:00

The truck shifts, the truck slips, it slips harder,,,fast,,,faster, spinning now and more. The truck flips, slides and lands on the edge of the road. The truck is still,,,,life sliding, life moving, life upside down....fast. Which way is up? Which way down? Which way around? Which way right? Which way not? All the glass, bumps, bruises,,,not much for the circumstance. One glass, one moment, one body, one moment,,,all glass gone except for one, keeping me safe,,,,no death, no rest, no heaven, no hell, one single pane of glass between me and certain harm. Clear, fragile, stable,,,,this pane of glass rescuing me, holding me in protection from falling into the road, holding me from being swallowed under the truck, holding me from mangling, from certain pain for others would I meet my death, pane holding me,,,,,here. A single pane of glass, I see, I feel, rescued me.....a single pane, a single fraction of a moment.

Yellow Light

2011-04-03T09:31:00.000-05:00

Not enough yellow lights to slow me down Not enough pauses to see the architecture at the corners Not enough lights to look left, to look right All that green, go go go All that green, more more more Driving fast, driving too fast, green green green The next thing I know, no yellow, wanting to know yellow, no green, wanting to know green , no lights at all and wanting to know... Bye too fast Bye too quickly Bye without a good look A quick glance here, a quick glance there More yellow, longer glances, closer look, a pause......a pause..... More time to feel, more time to see, more time to be More yellow lights please More yellow pauses

She Knows

2011-04-03T04:40:00.000-05:00

If I tell her it was hard to be talked to that way.... She knows If I tell her my heart was broken when she grabbed me that way.... She knows If I tell her she broke my trust when I shared a dream and she took it away.... She already knows If I tell her I was terrified to move when she demanded action.... She knows If I told her my words were frozen when she screamed at me to answer the "right" way... She already knows.... She knows this pain...Knows the frozen...She knows this terror...Knows the broken. What pain, what trust, what action do I expect by sharing my perceptions. What do I believe she will bring to my experience. Does this sharing bring something for her pain, terror, frozen or broken? What would she, could she, will she offer to change mine....when she could not change her own.

The Right Side

2011-03-02T16:19:00.000-06:00

I made a connection to being injured on the right side of my body. Just about every nook and cranny….injured in one fashion or another….

The shock and possession of trauma had carried itself out in periodic injury to the same side of my body.

Today I sit with that shock

Today I sit with that trauma

Today I gentle and lovingly hold that shock, hold that trauma with the esssence of love.

Its not as if I forgot about that moment in time, its not that I didn’t want to remember, its that I didn’t realize the effect on my physical self. I wasn’t afraid to look at the soul damage, I wasn’t afraid to go into the hell of it, I wasn’t afraid to see over and over until it was clear and my soul had returned to me,,,,it was, that I didn’t know the ripple affect on my simple physical self.

Today I sit with gentle holding

Today I breathe easy knowing I am cared for

Today I hold love and gentle touch in the care of that moment with The person who was to be my caretaker, the person who was to be the holder of childhood memory, the person who was to hold me, not throw me….
To shift this into grace, to penetrate this unconscious body memory into all mighty love…

Christ Light, Holy Light, The Essence of the Holy Spirit, holding, gentle holding, carressing, carrying me into arms of peace and healing, encompassing, all consuming healing for everyone involved….

To Heal the mother who offended, out of control,,,,control to please, control to be more than was available in her….

To Heal the sister who was witness, was affected, feels guilty now, was afraid, who ran to save herself….of course….

To Heal the me who was there and not in body once the offense occurred, to me who believed my value in relationship with my abuser, to me who believed of protecting the offender, healing for me who believed I had to be nice to the one who offender, for me who was so ingnorant of the physical imprint that I continued to throw myself through accident after accident and create more injury….

To Heal the father who forced a lie down my throat to rehearse for the doctors at the hospital, the father who left me with this crazy woman even after he knew what she could do, the father who turned away to protect the wife – the family…so he believed….

I embrace the Light of all Power and Knowing, of All Love and Health for everyone here,,,,now,,,,,, of All Possibility for Change and Peace in Knowing Truth…..to Make this Right and to make this Good….

Exampled to Me

2011-01-17T17:55:00.000-06:00

What is exampled to me is love in relationship...

I see men and woman who have been in a romantic relationship together,,,,still loving each other even after all is said and, well done.

Isn't this the way, the ideal led way?...the ideal for some of us, more of us?

When did we decide that loving someone stops when we don't get what we want, when did we decide that punishment with daggers to the heart and mental molestation is the norm or even tolerated when the love, anticipation, excitement, dream, fantasy, good intention fades away all so gently or not so gently.

When did we decide that the into me i see had a timeline,,,,,my timeline.

These ways that we act, talk and share our side of the story is within our power to be as clean as we want it to be.

As a civilized society, as an intelligent race of people, as a collective consciousness, are we not in charge of what this time of parting ways looks like?

Do we not decide to tolerate name calling, bashing another, becoming trapped in our own ego idea of love and betrayal?

What is exampled to me is love inside, outside, next to and Christ in sighted love...before, through and after.

I am this example too.....

How is it possible to love so deeply and to fall into hating so richly? How is it possible that hatred and projected blame come from that same place of eternal love? If this is not possible then did we love in the first place?

I am in love from the clarity in the middle of me, I speak lightly of everyone I have and do love, I see the progress that we all make,,,,at our own Devine pace,,,I will stand and support you coming from that place of love too.

Let's be gentle with ourselves and with what we send out to each other,,,,all the way through.

My Accident

2011-01-05T19:15:00.000-06:00

I added thin highlights to my hair tonight. The bottle said Raven Black,,,,the outcome, a fuchsia and teal. I love my accident.

I skidded down the road and flipped my truck driving down the highway while believing my life was over. The consequence,,,,, a deep appreciation for life. I love my accident.

Unable to say no during sex as a teenager.... I love my accident.

I signed a contract of marriage and have spent the last three years reassembling my ego in a much,,,better ,,,,place. I love my accident.

Born to parents incapable of expressing love in a good, supportive and validating way. I spend my adult life developing core values from scratch, believing I am beautiful in spite of what you have said, did or didn't do. I co create relationship in God rather than fall into shame and fear. I get to discover who I am from a blank slate and live accordingly with compassion and kindness....today. I love my accident.

Hope

2011-01-04T21:46:00.000-06:00

I was 34 before I committed my early life suicide to reality.

Standing in the attic of our unfinished home on 9th street, alone, looking out the front window to the world out there as if I was peaking into an altered world, one that I could not touch.

I felt nothing, I couldn't feel, I couldn't breathe, I didn't breathe. My only feeling....grave separation.

My hand moved up towards the extension cord as if it had a mind of it's own, a hope of freedom from pain that I could not feel, hope that life, reality, would go away, leave me forever and send me anywhere but here.

Holding the all metal scissors with anticipation of the act,,,the ending...

I cut the cord, I get a shock, I...am still here....

I feel now, I feel sadness and great disappointment,,,,it didn't work...I'm still here.

Another feeling rushes in, fear,,,,I will get found out, not of what I had hoped to succeed but of damaging the cord!

I hide the scissors and hope for the best...

I remember the feelings still today, every second of that hopeful act,,,,I remember the disappointment.

34 years old before I made the connection to the desperate need of a 5 year old to leave this awful place.

Are there others who felt this was the only way to act, the only way out, the only solution to reality,,,,to die un purpose at such a young age?

Are there children who have done what I did and made it? Are there children who have died by their own hand from the pain that is unimagined for such a precious mind and delicate heart. Did these children leave un purpose and people believed an accident?

I could not imagine another minute in this body, in this dimension, in that home, with those people, in that school....I could not imagine.

Lots of life lived since then, lots of choice, lots of dedication to be me, lots of hope, lots of prayers and meditation, lots of help, lots of breathe, lots of reality, lots of love.....

Suicide attempt at 5, long hard prays through my teenage years to die in my sleep, 40 before I woke up with ease in my chest and a smile as my first response to the morning rather than desperation in my heart and a seeking for motivation to live my day.

I can't say that I have always been thrilled to be alive, I can say that I am happy to be here more than I would ever believe possible, glad to be living, content in my own skin, my breathe running deep and pure....now

A Child

2010-12-22T10:02:00.000-06:00

A child of God not of man,

A child incapable of man's idea of sin.

A child of Holiness not in perfections,

A child of Joy not human lack and sadness,

A child of God full of adventure and curiosity, Love and compassion.

A child of God,,,,knowing righteousness, knowing gift, knowing placement in this world and all worlds....

A Child....

We are all children, we are all God, we are all of the ideas of God.

Christ teaches that he is these things, he teaches that we are these things, love, eternal, all mighty, perfect, precious, compassion, whole, divine and All. There is no separation between God and Man....we are the same.

This idea of, creation of, and practice of separation did not come from God, it came from and continues to come from man. The man who is afraid of all that he is.

We are this child of God, not limited by our idea of man or of ourselves.

Every wounded heart, every sadness is cancelled out when we embrace and fall into this knowing that we are God, that we are a child of God.

Go beyond the "god don't make Junk" to the impossibility of this happening. All perfect, all knowing, all giving, all loving. This is God and we are made in his image, not a cheaper version of Him, but of Him.

My human parents, your human parents will, have, did and can not help but "fail" us. This is the human way.

Connect into the ultimate child relationship with the Universe, God, Creator,,,,the Essence of Love which encapsulates All.

Half of Me

2010-12-07T09:39:00.000-06:00

I've lived half my life being only half of me. A half ass version of all of me.

Knowing this didn't seem to matter much.

Afraid of failure, afraid of success, afraid of "it" all. If I gave my all....then I would have to maintain "it".

What a lazy chap. Just getting by has been my way and yet I have everything to be grateful for and my life is nothing to laugh at.

"It" is not enough anymore....giving my all seems right...now.

Getting C's without much effort, getting by even though I knew there was more....content, living half way.

What about more? What about the other half of my potential? What about the whole of me?

Self sabotage, don't do too much, don't look a fool, be careful not to be silly or stupid along the way and what about your approval? Well too much to consider, too much to explain.

I can do "it" all,,,always knew I could....and now, well now...I want to and feel a tad protective of "it" too.

Tear me down and rebuild me, send me into hell to find heaven on earth, what a process! Show me my illusion by knocking me over, tell me my stories are too big for the truth....what a way through,,,,and...whew, I am through...

Little by little I have seen this in me grow, little by little I want "it" more, more of who I know of me.

Little by little my fear of being big is smaller than my fear of just getting by.

The saying is true, I feel it moving inside and all around. I had been more afraid of the power of me than living my life as a half of a failure.

Today, Tomorrow, My future,,,not because I should and not for any ones approval. Not for love and not for an idea of success...but because "it" is there and because "it" is me.

All of my choices validate this power. Every companion I choose echos the power that I am.

Every experience eyes open bringing me closer to the truth, closer to the light, more able, more willing, more determined.

Everything that I consume is who and what I am. Every morsel, every drink marinates in my being and vibrates to the level that I choose.

223 or 666

All within my grasp, all within my consciousness, all within....me.

To be or not to be....the eternal question. Destiny or decision, process or perfection.....

What I believe?

Perfection already and fear of the perfection.

Wading in the mud is not OK anymore, living high in the light is my destiny and my right choosing.

The Wave

2010-12-03T13:29:00.000-06:00

Thank you for holding me while I put the pieces back together.

Thank you for your patience while I didn't have as much to give.

Thank you for waiting for the water to calm while I moved with all the waves and possibilities.

The loss was great, emotions tumultuous, my mind,,,,not so sharp and my soul, worried it was gone forever....

The loss was deep, powerful and life altering.

The blame was loud from time to time, the absence of mind...there too.

I wasn't even sure if I would make it....this time.

This was big, this was profound, this was a brand new me.

So here I am ready to begin, here I am ready to dive in. The swim smoother, the water brilliant blue, the times much easier and back to me....all new.

Thank you for waiting, thank you for believing when I couldn't, thank you....

Still In Action

2010-11-30T13:23:00.000-06:00

A child sits trembling in her school desk while her first grade teacher looms over her with distaste, in patience and giant intimidation.

A child tries to understand what the word is that her teacher so desperately wants her to "learn". She pushes through the tears to place each letter into the sense of a word.

A yell, a slam of the hand, a desk tipping over.....all for the word rope.

I can't take it anymore, I watch her struggle, I am dying inside to help, to save her, to rescue her from her abuser, from this obscene scene.

"Rope", I say out loud.....it didn't matter, the harassment continues, inferring that she was stupid for not making her way through her fear to connect her brain to her mouth.

Where are all the other teachers, the ones next door to our classroom. They must hear that she is out of control, so beyond her scope of "teaching".

Where is the hero who bursts through the door and stops her from hurting another child.....we are 6 ,,,,,where is our community?

I've walked these halls a hundred times, I know we...she....can be heard from the other end of our little school. I can't imagine the other teachers ignoring her yelling at these little ones, I can't imagine they don't do something, I can't imagine, and yet no one comes to our rescue.

This wasn't just one time, this wasn't the only yelling so loud it hurt all of our ears, this wasn't the first time she laid hands, turned over desks with a little student in it, made a child stand outside our school house all alone for....for....who knows what.

Why doesn't someone yell back, stop her, tell on her?

Where is our community to object?

The whole class is silent, the whole class afraid, doesn't one child have a parent they can trust, did this one child tell their mom and they were afraid, did someone tell and it will stop soon.

Is the whole class frozen in fear, the teachers too, are the parents so afraid, are they too busy to care, is the whole community, still in action?

We don't know what to do, Do they what to do? Do they Dare do something?

We were not the first class and these were not isolated incidents, there were many before and many after. I know this because I was there and I could hear them when I moved to the class next door and even when I was down the hall.

The older I became, the more confused....and angry....I am not going to pretend nothing happened, theses offenses did not occur.

Celebrate her 30 years of teaching! Are you kidding me?! 30 plus years of abuse, destruction to the innocense of these babies. We are going to do what as a community,,,, pretend that she didn't do what she did? Celebrate!

You call me defiant and out of control for being angry, for telling, for not pretending while all of you .... ,,,, did nothing....

We have set a marker for our world, we have set a precedence for outrageous behavior, we have failed.

I'm not talking about punishment, I'm talking about justice. The balance of right and wrong, ignorance righted, stepping up and stepping out of a frozen place.

In my community I have failed, we have failed when witness to abuse...I failed that child and I failed my world. I have looked the other way with heart beating from my chest, terror in my soul, legs still, no voice,,,,how do I, what do I, when do I, what about me?

Where did we go? When did we stop, did we ever.....why don't we?

My Personal Ad

2010-11-30T00:15:00.000-06:00

Let's cut to the chase....

I am sensitive, what can I say, It is who I am and who I am going to be, emotional and feeling,,,sometimes deeply. Not to worry though, I handle and express my emotions in really healthy ways without much help needed from others.

I was raised in a violent home with not much hope for bonding, love without an evil agenda, good touch or even a gentle smile. I have spent 26 years recovering my soul and have done a damn good job of it.

Holding me would be wonderful, just holding, simple, with all the benefits of love, passion and strength. I receive this from you easily and I give the same and more in great ways.

I am a fucking riot in life, I love to laugh and play at home and out in the world. Meeting new people, addressing them with eye contact and by their first name is important to me.

You don't need to try to fix me, I'm not broken. Get comfortable with yourself so looking at me does not desire a problem.

I will tell on myself and give you all the answers to my quirks. You will know how to support me being a better person. I don't believe in secrets and I don't believe in shame.

Life and Love should be shared with an expectation of having a good time and being gentle with each others hearts,,,,,nothing more, nothing less.

Love is easy, let's decide that and roll in pure joy every day while we explore what all of this means....of course knowing that what we discover will change tomorrow and we can not possibly figure anything out because it is all right and wrong in the same breathe.

Too Fast

2010-11-27T17:00:00.000-06:00

I did all those things with them....

We went to the park, we went to the parade, we had fabulous parties, , , new years, Halloween, Easter so much to find....

We went to Grandpas, Friends, The neighbors, Soccer, Baseball, Football too...

Girl scouts, Boy scouts, High Cliff for a trail.....

Bikes, Big Wheels, Picnics outside and on the floor.....

Special treats on Friday nights when mama was at home.....close the curtains, take the phone off the hook, cook our favorite fried foods and a Walt Disney movie or two or three...now my girl, she creates her own, in her own style....

Birthdays all the deal, treating them like royalty,,,,and they are.... now my boy does his best for his team.....what a hoot!

Christmas wasn't always fun.....where to go, who to visit, but we always had our own sweet traditions....finding a tree, decorating together, a few presents on the eve and all the rest on Christmas day. Don't forget the coal in the shoe.....oh and stockings for sure.

New Years Eve all the best! Grilling out no matter what the weather, friends galore and confetti at midnight!

My babies are much bigger, I will always see them through my eyes as their mom,,,,they still call when they need something even though their questions have changed,,,,,even though, even though,,,,,they will always be my little ones....

We did all those things and tons tons more that I will live with and remember for all of my life and far into forever.....far into forever...

We did all of those things and I would like to say that no matter how much time passes,,,,it ....went......way too fast.

This Kiss

2010-11-26T10:33:00.000-06:00

A kiss on the cheek for my princess, a kiss on the cheek, sweet dreams.

My little girl so pretty, so sweet, My little girl, all wishes for you.

My precious child so soft, so dear.

I want the world for you, all happiness for you, my dear sweet princess, a soft kiss for you, gently on your cheek.

May this kiss take you into the night and walk with you in your dreams, may this kiss hold you when you are afraid, may this kiss bring you happiness in your sad,,,,this kiss....

A breathe, A wish, A kiss, a Smile,,,,good night.

This kiss from my lips to your cheek,,,,,a long time to come.

The perfection from nature in a kiss wasn't offered before,,,,absent from my dream, absent from my day. I could not know of such a kiss, such sweetness, such hope, such promise of the next tomorrow.

Dark kisses before, dark dreams, alone and afraid. I did not know better, I knew nothing different....

and now....now.....my heart is open to this perfect kiss.....from me to you,,,,from me,,,,to me

My gentle hand, my gentle heart, my sweetness,,,,true and strong....I bring to you, this, perfect, kiss....

Ease, innocence, all mine to give, all mine to receive.

My hand, to my cheek....this kiss

For the simple love that "it" is, for the timeless heart that I am....

Good night dear one, rest easy and believe.....

Let me Love You

2010-11-19T11:04:00.000-06:00

Seeing my fears and acting otherwise has been a full time job, a job that I could have and many times should have been fired from.

Why don't I check them at the door?

Why don't I or possibly can't I run my life on all of the positive & powerful belief systems that I have acquired through the years.

The work has been done, the shifts complete....more than once....

I quit, I fire me.

This full time job sucks,,,,I'm starting a new career.

My job title? Light, God, Christ, Be

My job duties? Suffering is optional, Pure thoughts with consequences of Pure actions, Love is the only option.

Done working today, play, play, play :)

Darkness

2010-11-11T11:30:00.000-06:00

Many of us have been taught to be afraid of the dark, many of us are still afraid of the darkness...

It is this darkness that promises light.

It is this darkness that we discover freedom.

It is this freedom that we become possibility, expansiveness and ourselves.

The magic in the darkness is the light.

To the Child

2010-11-10T23:34:00.000-06:00

I open my heart space and I invite you to open yours.

Opening wide from behind the body, from between the shoulder blades, breathing into the back, through the body and out the front....

Bringing new life from behind the body, pulling it gently through your heart space and drawing this new life energy out the front of the body....

All one breathe, easy and noticeable....one breathe from behind with ease in trusting this breathe....all one breathe moving like space from above through our hearts, through our chests....all one breathe exhaling out the front of our breasts, our chests.

We release this space to the child, surrender this space to the child.

The innocence, the ease in movement, the triumph of simplicity, the dance of a child. The peace of mind, wonder of all there is to explore, the touch, gentle touch of a child.

We give this space to the child, we give control of this space to the child, we offer this with humble knowing that we cannot use this space with near the perfection as the child can and will without question or grandiosity...

Give it up now,,,, give your heart breathe to the child in you that bursts forth with joy, love and tenderness for everyone, everything and.....for you....

Allow the experience of heart expansiveness, allow the heart to beat a little louder, more sure than the beat before, allow this explosion of love to break all agreements of pain, allow this surrender of the heart to be what it is now!

Give your heart space breathe to the wonder of your child and witness the magic to come without even trying....

Special

2010-11-10T23:22:00.000-06:00

I am special, you are special, everyone is special.

I am special because you told me while you walked out the door and left me with a woman who was entitled my mother.....full well knowing that she would not, could not care for me or my siblings.....and yet I was special....

I know that I am special because you told me how much I meant to you while you molested me. I was your girlfriend, your special girl, your smiley face....special to you.....

A little confusing I would say, I would feel...a little confused.

There was a time that I resented learning that I was special in these ways and then one day I thought to myself,,,,special,,,,I wonder,,,,did they know how special they were? Did my sisters, did my brothers know that they were special, that they were gifted, that they were unique only to themselves?

Did they feel they humming in their belly telling them they were loved in a special way? Did they reach adulthood and know in their heart they were....are ....special?

I do,,,,know special. Even in the form of love from a distance, love from a place of coward, love from a place of distorted power, desperation of control, special for you to abandon, special for you to violate.

I know that I am special even through the eyes of an adult learning every day, praying every day to keep the wires straight so as not to be that kind of special.

I am grateful to have that knowing of special even though it had come from that place.

Did my siblings know their special and did they find it to be good into their adult world?

I hope so....

Flip

2010-11-10T10:39:00.000-06:00

I carry a coin in my pocket to remind me of who I am, remind me from where I come and where I am going....I hope.

This coin brings luck, some say, this coin impresses magic and promise of a better day

This coin is ,,,,,just a coin...and yet I turn to it over and over again when I don't know what to do, when I am run over in emotion....I turn to this coin.

My mind wants me to loose this coin, my feelings want to throw this coin, my spirit won't let it go....too far....

I notice when I think troubled thoughts, I notice when I embellish my emotion, I notice times when I project my ideas of life onto others, I notice when my ego gets really really big, I notice when I choose the same...old....habits,,,,I notice that I reach in my pocket and flip my coin.

I flip this coin to the other side of believing, the other way to be, the other perspective in my thoughts, the other way to see, the other way to respond in emotion, the way to project love, the other way to hear, the other way to speak....

I flip my coin.

All within my power, all within my realm of choice, all real, all possible, all good practice, all in the mastery of life,,,,all....

Really?

2010-10-31T19:17:00.000-05:00

To be the Master....not over you but over me....master my ego, my mind, my attending, my choices....

To be The Master over me would be to live the example of my dream, to carry higher respondability in this world, to react different than my neighbor, to show peace, not because I should but because I am....at peace.

To Be The Master is to be.....alone.....

Really?

Is it possible that I sabotaged what I had so well, could it be that I demolished who I was because I perceived an alone attached to The Master?

Of course it is possible.....so did I ....do that?

Sabotage...all of my work, sabotage all that I had worked for, sabotage my belief in Love, my belief in innocence and belief in being Loved....

I wonder,,,,did I....Really?

Agreement

2010-10-15T10:16:00.000-05:00

I make an agreement that I will not harm myself with anger.

Long ago I swore my life, my health, my wellbeing to never ever hurt you...in that way,,,,

I forgot, about me.

If I don't harm you and I have no tools to be authentically pissed, then someone has to get hurt.

Those were the rules, this is what was exampled to me....your wrong, you did it, I am bigger, better, stronger, meaner and I will hurt you with my anger.....with my fist, with my words, my projections, sarcasm, look,,,,,,with my silence,,,,,,I will hurt you.

The air was filled with someone is gonna get it....it just was that way.

So when I swore a long time ago to NEVER be like THAT!...to never hurt you...where to go from there when hurting someone was the rule.

So I desided to absorb all that you said, all that you exampled, all that you imposed, intimidated to feel more of and projected at me,,,,, and then, and then I could not dare get angry at you!.....all of those rules....about anger.

If I agreed it wouldn't be you then it was me....anxiety, depression, anger coming out sideways, fat foods, meat foods, self harm, sexual rage, sexual abuse, isolation, distractive behaviors, obsessive thoughts and acting out,,,,this doesn't seem right either....so then what?

I tried stuffing, pretending, being the understanding one, spirtual control, stepping outside, aside, around, under, stepping over and ignoring.

All and none of these had brought about the results I wanted.

I still felt anger, this emotion I did not want, this emotion that seemed so aweful, this feeling I could not control and hated with all of my might.

If this is a human emotion why does it feel like hell from a place of evil darkness?

Authentically pissed looks like, sounds like, feels like,,,,,anger without flight, energy moving with no harm anywhere.....anger without rage, anger without hitting, anger without blame, anger with love,,,,still anger....anger with anger, my rights, your rights, all rolled into one, no harm.

Move the anger when it comes up, breathe through and out the body, moving the past, the stuffed, the wrong, the rules, the now and whatever else comes into your field....maybe it is from someone else.......move it anyway.

Move it with breathe, move it with knowledge and most of all, most of all, move it with body action. Hit a pillow, run around the trees, howl at the moon, move the body, move the body, swing the arms, move the body.

Little by little or whole bunches by whole bunches....just move it through,,,,,,in ways that leave no harm to me and no harm to you.

Now I can be mad, at you, and mad with you....in love and with anger.

So today, I collect the other agreement that I forgot...no harm to me in anger....

Life Mission

2010-10-13T08:51:00.000-05:00

My passion in life is to be an advocate for validation and support.

Anyone can give an opinion, give advise, judge anothers actions and be ignorant of the details. I know this because I have been, I hear it anytime I step outside my front door from others and certainly.....from me.

I am sure I will violate what is important to me.....and for this I am sorry.

It takes a real person, a loving person, a creative curious person to really care, to really get into the cracks of dis function....to see...

What can I do to be supportive, how can I encourage this person to be ....more of who they want to be, not who I believe they should be....

How does this persons brain work, what doesn't work, can I effect change or is it fruitless for me to be involved in such a deep way.

1) Is there love here?
2) How toxic is it?
3) How willing are they, how willing am I to be whole, to make changes for the better, to challenge myself to want more.

How willing am I to make this matter,,,,mine or yours.

I believe we are all one.

That means I need to act like it.

This means I am dedicated to answering those three questions,,,,,with my heart rather than my judgemental head.

The world is full enough of that....I will not abide by those rules or attend to those ideas.

I believe we can and do make a difference.

The easy is to make a difference and perpetuate the ego ideas of life, the right- the wrong- the can't - the should- the I'm right and you can't be - the shame - the critic.

The truly challenged is to ask ourselves how can I , can I , is it a good thing and what does real support look like and sound like. Do I get involved and care enough to understand you? Do I get involved enough to find out what it is that makes you feel valued and supported.....every ones answer is different.....for sure. Will I take the time and attending to find out my answers and to know your answers.

My experience is not yours and yours not mine so I cannot know unless I ask and unless you tell me.....what is it that helps you to feel valued, supported, loved and purposeful.

My mission in life?

To advocate Real support, real validation, real love....

Let's start with,,,,,"I understand. I hear you. I see how that makes you feel. That makes sense to me. "

I do my best to live these principals, I do my best to be in the moment and to be oh so careful with my words, with my thoughts and with my validations.

That's it.

Simple.

I understand you, I hear you, I want to know you, I want to be here and be supportive to you.

This.....does not......take anything away from me......how can it.....

Put Together in My Heart

2010-10-12T18:04:00.000-05:00

There used to be this place of hesitation in my heart anytime I would have a great idea.

This hesitation only had a couple of words ....just a couple and yet how powerful those little words had when they were put together in my heart.

Most of the hesitation was an sense, a sensation, a closing, a flutter.....the essense of can't....

It is gone now

I don't know why, how, nor do I care....I am only grateful that the essence of can't is gone and is replaced with excitement that I feel in the center of my chest,,,that for no other reason than just showing up everyday,,,doing what was in front of me & trusting that life would heal me, that God would deliver me & that Love would dominate in all ways of my life.

It's all changed now.

I am left with excitement, joy, excitemnet & more excitement.

Thank you creator, thank you life, thank you......

This is good, this is good, this is good.

2010-10-01T08:59:00.000-05:00

September 29, 2010

As I look around in recent years, I notice a very well orchestrated dismantling occurring in our communities.

Coming to a place of grace as we adjust seems to be the strongest ingredient during this time.

I believe that we are being asked to dismantle and realign our ego ideas of things, our ego ideas of relationship and our ego ideas of family, religion and home.

The less resistance to what is moving in and around us, will bring about great beauty and ease in manifestation.

During this reassembly, we are returning to the Essence of God, Tribal Consciousness and Truth in our Story.

I love and support each of us during this time and the next time. I know this is good.

Together we find the truth, together we find ourselves, together we find each other.

Many Blessings, Renee Beese
www.healingonwheels.com
920-651-0625

Wanting Kids

2010-09-26T01:52:00.000-05:00

My heart aches for their lives, my heart aches for wishes that can't come true....

I always wanted the best, I always wanted more than that, I always wanted to create a couple of little hippies that had it all at 20,,,,confidence, patience, love, life understanding, emotional stability, grace, good relationships, life knowledge.

I wanted them to know who they are without the discover,
to see life through wise eyes without being an ass to realize life is not about them,
compassion from the depth of all possibility without being neglectful,
to realize their opinion doesn't matter more than supporting someone else,
helpful without questioning their motive,
loving to each other without the drama,
to know who they are without going against themselves,
wanting them to have no parenting regrets,
to understand life without having to live it...

I wanted them to have what I am just now starting to get a really good look at....

I remember 25, I remember 30,,,,arrogant and having no clue that I was such a know it all, ignorant to how deeply my decisions affected you, trying really really hard to get it right and failing even with my best attempts,,, unable to care for myself as much as I imagined, wounded and not wanting to be, desperate and not wanting to be.

Oh how silly am I, hmmm,
my heart doesn't hurt anymore,,,,
my heart loves them just the way they are,,,,
just the way they need to see and experience life,,,,
my heart bleeds with them when they screw up and don't want to take respondability for their choosing,
when they see how they are hurting themselves,
when they feel like crap because they were neglectful or abusive.

I hold them in my heart even though I find myself wishing for them to know life without life experiences,,,,,

I love them in spite of being challenged with my own guilt from time to time that I did not do enough....

My heart is open to all that life can bring to them and for me. This must be the way it is, the law of the land,,,,,or it....life...would be different.

I am not the first who wanted more for her children, I am not the last who wants their babies to have it all without the suffering.

So I come to this place that says, It is what it is. This it... is ....removes the suffering so we can more easily and completely love each other.

Arrogant!

2010-09-19T08:31:00.002-05:00

How dare these people wake me up at 7:44 am with yelling and running past my home!!!!

Are you fucking kidding me?

It is SUNDAY!

I look outside my window and it is a whole bunch of people in army t-shirts....holy shit!

The arrogance of these people. This is a small quiet street.

Protect our country...my ass...

I don't agree in what they do? I don't believe in war? I am so disgusted by the invasive from so many people in the armed forces, to not care about intruding on peoples homes, peoples lives, peoples privacy, peoples right to sleep past 8 am on a Sunday morning!!!

What frickin arrogance......I open my door and seriously consider walking up to this whole group who are at the end of the street yelling and cackling at the next runner.....point out to them what I see as arrogant, invasive, intrusive and just plain rude....

I'll do it! Get my pants on, grab a jacket to cover up my unharnessed breasts,,,,out the door I'll go.....

It's open, my heart is beating with anger and a little fear....here comes a heavier set guy being cheered on....

I can't ruin his focus with my reaction.

There it is,,,this is my reaction. So what am I really pissed about?

What is it that I am really reacting to?

Arrogance is the most profound word, the strongest charge above all else.

Sadness and utter helplessness for people in other countries who are being run over by these strangers, telling them they can or can not do or be who they are on a Sunday morning. I am overwhelmed with sadness about the idea of this.

Is my yelling and pointing of my witchy finger really going to contribute to peace, bring awakening for the people who I feel helpless for or am I bringing more rage, more arrogance, more carelessness? Is it even about helplessness for others or is this a trigger to reach in to where I feel helpless?

Probably the later since I am self absorbed in my own experience....probably the later....

I get back in my home, return to bed and ask the Holy Spirit to show me my arrogance, show me where I do not consider that someone else is sitting near me and I am being loud or invasive. Was it at the restaurant last night with a group of 8....were we loud and not conscious of the people sitting near us while they were trying to enjoy a quiet dining experience?

Where is my arrogance, where is my invasive, when am I not recognizing the rights of others to believe in what they believe....in war, in racing, in fighting, in protesting, in christian or catholic religion,,,,,

Do I really Love everyone and their right to have, to be, to see, to believe and to live what they love and have passion for.

Do I believe this in my mind or my heart,,,,do I feel your right to believe what you believe,,,even if it is war...

Am I loving and support only when you are and do what I want you to?

PS! When I posted this blog there was an advertisement to join the army...hehehhehehehe...........God is funny :)

Burst

2010-09-15T08:31:00.000-05:00

I loved you so much that I thought my heart would burst if I felt it all.....

I wished I would have burst....

Bondage

2010-09-13T08:26:00.000-05:00

We are all subservient to whatever mental niche we have decided to worship.

A retirement plan regardless of the obvious hints to move on before the "dead" line.

Addiction to others, drugs, alcohol, work, sugar, fat, carbs so we can avoid feeling the purity of our true power.

A relationship with our children that is self defeating and co-dependent for ourselves and not really "helpful" for them at all.

Quick spiritual thinking that says, I know, I know, I know......this keeps us from living in our belly and hearing through our hearts.

Chronically buying, accumulation and selling things to obey an emotional satisfaction of power.

When do we and can we shift this sabotage of self into light action in the now and the tomorrow?

Do we dare live in all that we know we are?

Do we carry out each moment knowing we are doing our best and do we even contemplate the possibility of loving ourselves and everyone near and around in such a way that there is no space left for anything else, no conscious space for lack, for not enough, for less than?

Do we dare??? Can we dare??

Listen

2010-09-10T08:22:00.000-05:00

It is the words that I use not the "issue" I am talking about that gives me a peek into my own soul.

When I hear you talk it seems so obvious that your complaints are really about you....what you are missing, what you believe you are missing, what you forgot you are missing....

Do I hear my words this clearly?

Do I listen, I mean really listen to what I am saying about the world, assessing what I see, judging what I hear, what I believe I hear?

Listen and you will hear, listen and I will hear what is really being said....

....this is me projecting me.

Karhma

2010-09-08T08:29:00.000-05:00

I want to tell you a story, a story of a woman, an awakened woman.

On a day of no particular occasion she had a dream, a remembering of a time in lives that came before. She remembered a time of dark remembering when she acted in a way that echoed a dark place in her soul.

This remembering she had was of a Priest, she as the Priest. This Priest, this woman was looked upon to carry out ceremony and ritual for her people, her congregation.

On this one particular day in this dark day of her soul, she performed a ceremony on a child, a small innocent child.

This ceremony was hard and life taking for the child. The Priest who did this dark ceremony knew in her right heart that this ritual was not a good ritual. She knew that to kill this child, she was wrong and it was not of the teachings she knew to be right and of goodness.

This child is gone and this Priest carries on into another lifetime now. Today is this lifetime. On this particular day, this day of light and goodness. The awakened woman, the Priest form the past has come to see the retribution, the payback for her crime, the balance due this child from long long ago.

In this lifetime the Priest becomes the child and the child from long ago is now the parent.

This parent who tortured the child now, who hurt, battered and mentally assaulted the child now- the Priest from the past. Today the parent has burdened this child with self doubt, self loathing, self persecution, self abuse. Tortured the child now with neglect, abandonment and distaste for the child.

The parent now, the Priest before, the child now, the child from before. Before the light, into the darkness, out of the darkness and into the light.

The debt is paid, the karma righted, the peace ensues. For you, for me, all is right, now and before now.

GREEEAAAT!!

2010-09-05T08:23:00.000-05:00

What a fabulous feeling through an through to wake up in the morning and the first words I hear running through my body are " I love life, I love my life :)".

The road to 2012? The road to life.

How did I get here you may ask? Lots of hard work, lots of waking up and wishing I were not here, lots of giving up, lots of getting up anyway, lots of determination and willingness to do-be-see and grow into something different than what I knew...before.

Many times I have joked around and said my business card should have these words on it...."no dink in around".

I'm not here to ignore the obvious, I'm not here to be comfortable in hell, I'm not here to repeat the same old story, I'm not here to echo fear.

I am here to get my ass off the floor, pray for answers, listen carefully to the Holy Spirit and not my ideas of what should be, I am here to live through my heart and be comfortable there, I am here to ease into vulnerability and use it in a good way, I am here to see you as precious as we are, I am here....to be....

Many Blessings with you and with us as I wake up this morning and I know pure Joy,

Many Heart Aches with you and with us as we discover who we really are so we can get to this place of awakening that knows only peace and happiness.

Much Love with you and with us as we walk into this day and the next with a huge smile, a great attitude and lots laughter.

Today

2010-09-02T08:20:00.000-05:00

I am hereToday
I believeToday
I seeToday
I knowTomorrow
I seeTomorrow
I believeTomorrow
I knowAll that I know right now will be what I know later
What I believe today will be whatever tomorrow
No thing changes
All thing changes

The No

2010-08-04T11:38:00.000-05:00

My belly says no....I must be wrong....so I force myself to to be nice to you....I make myself care for you...because I must be wrong to not want to....

All of my belly repulses to the care, all of my being is in resistance...but somewhere, somehow, I must be wrong.

All of my belly shouts out loud...NO!...and I continue to do whatever it is that I believe I should do for you,,,,because,,,,because,,,,I,,,,am,,,,wrong for feeling the no.

There must be something wrong with me for feeling the no, there must be something wrong with me for not wanting to help you.

I should be willing, I should be caring, I should be compassionate, I should be the nice one, I should love you, I should....

So I made myself be nice, I made myself like you, I made myself be what you asked, I made myself ly down with you, I made myself have sex with you....I made myself go against my belly, my knowing, my wholeness, my wisdom, my....God.....

My Belly rings true for my deepest knowing, my most honest self of what is right. My Belly knows when I am in danger.

In danger of being emotionally raped, in danger of being spiritually molested, in danger of being used and not loved, in danger of harm to my heart.

I see you, I see me, I see the truth, I feel the truth, I know whats right, I know whats wrong.

No more I should, no more nice, no more just a little uncomfortable...no more uncomfortable.

Reality In My Reality

2010-07-20T10:53:00.000-05:00

If I were a total prick....how would I know?

Would you tell me.....would I listen....should I listen....

My idea of being a parent,,,so good, so beautiful, so productive, so effective, so real.

Was I really, good? beautiful? productive? effective? real?

I never imagined my children looking at me with those eyes that I am crazy or stupid....ignorant about what I do, did, say, said, or who I was, am now....but they have....and they do....

I look back and see those years so differently than what I remember, what I believed, what I know, what I see now, what I saw then....I wonder who I am, who I was....

How do I get reality in my reality....

What about the rest of the world....what about the rest of my world....am I who I see I am,,,,am I who I imagine I am,,,,am I someone that I wouldn't recognize, am I someone else....

Am I really supportive, kind, funny, good, special...or was it, is it all in my imagined reality.....

How would I know? How would I realize who I am....

Would you tell me....would I listen....should I listen....

If I am in denial about who I am....really....then how would I know?

Does a serial killer live in reality about who she is....does a child molester live in reality about who he is.....does a wife beater live in reality about who he is....does a control freak bitch of a woman live in reality about who she is.....do any of us live in reality about who we are....

In there lies the question of reality......who's reality....which reality....

If I am a total prick do I know who I am....

You Didn't Say

2010-07-08T23:55:00.000-05:00

You Didn't Say that I could keep him, you didn't say that we would be together for any period of time, you didn't say that he would be there for me, you didn't say.....

What you did say is that he was my guy, this is where he lives, this is his home that you will live in too and this is when we would meet.

You didn't sat that it would take me over 2 years to pull "it" together, you didn't say that he would cheat on me, you didn't say that my faith would be broken, you didn't say that I would crash from this experience, you didn't say...

except....

This is what he looks like, this is where he lives, this is where you will meet him and this is when....

I decided that we would be together forever, I concluded that this was my life partner, I decided that I would never have to date anyone else....ever....I placed an agenda on what you said....

and now I'm mad at you...

but, you didn't say....

I stretched your words to fit my fantasy and now I say I don't believe??

You kept your word, I concluded your word...I failed me with my agenda, I failed me with an idea of an outcome, I decided not to trust anymore because my minds idea did not become reality?

You gave me reality, you gave me my next move, you told me what to do, you showed me where to go, you said....

I listened, I went, I did, I became, I am,,,

I should be thankful for your words, I should be grateful for your teachings....I should be....

I Am

2010-07-07T02:04:00.000-05:00

I am my Mothers Daughter, Her blood runs through mine.

I am my mothers daughter, her mind stimulates mine

I am my mothers daughter, her spirit is familiar to me

Her love is felt in my heart
Her blessings are sung in her voice and brought to me through the angels

My mother is a wise, intuitive woman with great strength, conviction and knowledge

I am wise, intuitive blessed woman, with great strength, conviction and knowledge

I am my mothers daughter

She is her daughters mother

We are bonded for life
Sharing wisdom, compassion and great passion

I was born of my mother and reborn with my mother

I cherish her gifts, I honor her ways, I respect her journey
I cherish my gifts, I honor my ways, I respect my journey

She was, she is, she will be…
I was, I am, I will be….
We were, we are, we will be…

My Mother....

Wrong Words

2010-06-30T08:59:00.000-05:00

I know my words are wrong.....

I know that I should be totally content in my own skin, and I am, I know that I should be ok living on my own, and I am, I know I should be satisfied living my life for me, and I am, I know I should be deeply content in my world without a partner, and I am....

and I am......wanting one person who knows me better than I know myself, one person who understands the way my mind works, someone who tells me when I am fuck'n up, one person who stands near me while I have a fit, one person who holds me when I cry, holds me just because, one person who tells me the truth from their heart, one person who feels good being partners with me, one person to feel my heart.....all the way.

Someone, just one, who lets me love them deeper than they have ever been loved, allows me to dive with them into the darkest places in their soul, in our soul, someone who relaxes when I hold them, cries when I hold them, knows love when I hold them, steals a kiss from me at unexpected moments, kisses me all the time, falls with me into abandon, naked abandon, hears me when I whisper, hears me when I talk, hears me when I speak of all possibility and embraces what they hear because it is their realm of possibility too, someone who knows themselves and gives me the chance to know them too, someone who surrenders to me loving them and loves me surrendered too....

Someone who seeks a Holy Relationship rather than a fantasy relationship.

I know my words are right, I can ask for this and more than I can imagine.....I say that I want this....This that I say is Real, this that I say is tangible, this that I say is here.....

My words are right.

Your Right about That...

2010-06-26T17:09:00.000-05:00

I did hurt you.

Intended or not,,,I hurt you.

When I took you away from your father, it was for your own good and it hurt you.

When I took you away from the man I was dating it was for your own good and it hurt you.

When I took you away from the next man I dated it was for our own good and it hurt you.

When I took you away from your next father it was for my own good and it hurt you.

When you got angry at me I thought it was for no good.

When you lashed out it was for your own good and it hurt you.

When you hated me it was for my no good and it hurt you.

When I made you leave it was for your own good and it hurt you.

I was looking for love and it hurt you, I was doing my best to teach you love and it hurt you.

When you were hurt by me, I did not see....I did not see...

Forever

2010-06-26T10:14:00.000-05:00

I've Lived My Life in forever, another day to fix yesterday, never ending days to live and relive...

I've lived my life as if tomorrows don't end.

What happens when my pulse has no pulse, when my blood becomes stagnant....what will that feel like to live tomorrow when my breathe....stops....

My Job

2010-06-24T15:08:00.000-05:00

A Truth Sayer, a job not always appreciated and yet it is a job.

I say things that you "can't", things that you "won't", things that are perceived as a risk, a threat...a little scary and sometimes a lot scary.

At times that makes me the loud one, the fire one, the one who sticks out and is easily heard....

I... am... comfortable...now... being the loud one.

I take my job seriously, a place for me to be a balanced voice in our community, our family, our home.

This job is one to care for and a job to be careful of.

A mastery is needed to be this person in our world.

A mastery of words, a mastery of thought, a mastery of clarity, a mastery of connectedness with Spirit, with A One who knows.

I pause with my words, I speak carefully with the truth that I hear....I intend to be perfect, I intend to be whole, I intend to be awesome....

I intend with respect, support, love and with honor.

I am Human, I am Perfect and I Intend....

The Spider

2010-06-12T22:32:00.000-05:00

Coming from a place of terror and complete unfamiliar when around large groups or fun activities...

I was the outsider, the foreign one, the zit in the crowd...at least that's how I felt.

Determined to be ok, to have fun, to find a place of comfort and possibly a place of participation....I kept going, and going, attending, showing up and breathing in and breathing out.

After a while it started to feel better, little by little these places of fun and large gatherings got a tad easier to go to, to be in , to blend, to feel free.

Many times later, many events later, many uncomfortable moments, many, many days of showing up, leaving, going again and again.

Feeling less like a zit and more like a possibility.

Today I feel part of the crowd, today I have a blast going alone and yet never feeling alone, today I am complete and a part of,,,,the crowd, the fun, the gathering, the music, the dance, the smiles, the life all around me.

Alleluia, it is here!

The Day the Spider Became the Dragonfly....

From Long Ago

2010-06-11T19:12:00.000-05:00

I needed that so desperately, I obsess about it now...
The obvious connect does not always connect.

I needed to be called, to be checked on, to be supported, to be loved. I needed someone to help so desperately that I could not begin to feel the desperate.

So when I see you appearing helpless, desperate, or through my eyes in some way in "need" of help...well, I get desperate to help, love, support, control and save you.....save me....

I will go back and feel the desperate from long ago so that I can move forward with true support and love....I will go back and move the energy that is still in there...somewhere....from long ago...

I apologize ahead of time because I am guaranteed to do it again. My hope is now I am more deeply aware and you now know my "weakness".

co dependent?....no

desperate.....yes

I Didn't Know

2010-06-09T01:27:00.000-05:00

Can a heart be so broken that it does not know how truly broken it is?

Can a heart be so far gone from feeling love that it did not even know it was missing anything at all?

How long would it take to get to that place of knowing.

Would a heart even want to know that it was that ill?

How would a heart, why would a heart look that deep, see that heartache?

To never be adored, to never be touched in a good way, to never be looked in the eye unless it was for rage, to never be taken somewhere special, to not know the heartbeat of a loving chest, to never feel the carress of a gentle hand....to never...

Would I want to know that deep pain, would I want to know the heartache for real, do I even want to know how far this runs....

Anymore

2010-05-28T00:19:00.001-05:00

I took the hit, I took the blame, I would do it again.

I see so clearly now the pattern that I have lived, the pattern that says,,,I will give my all,,,,I will die for you.

I didn't check to make sure that you actually wanted me to....die for you.

I should have asked when we were 5...."do you want me to rescue you from the monster? Do you want me to stand in the front line and take the "hit" for you?"

I,,,volunteered...and I would do it again.

It was my job to come running when I heard the yelling, it was my job to get in between the devil and you to get you out of harms way...it was my job...

I do not believe that my reactions to terror should have been any different,,,,I do not believe that your reactions to terror should have been any different...

I see the "betrayal", I see that easy target.

Me, standing with you in front of the dragon,,,,who to blame, who to call out,,,who to point the finger...

I was an easy choice, I had volunteered for the position, I was already the target and so what was one more "hit", one more fault, one more...escape.

I used to laugh it off and sometimes I would cry....

I will not get validation from the rescued for what was real...the real that is all so clear, the real that is all too battled in daily life today, for all who were there,,,the monster, the rescued, the target...

I know that you could and can only make one choice. The choice to not be chosen...to look , to point or speak in my direction.

I see that so easily through the eyes of a child. I wish for the child,,,yours and mine,,,,to no longer feel the pain, blame, guilt or choice of a child.

I wish to find a place in my heart that no longer looks for validation, conversation or love from the rescued, the wounded child, the guilty party...the survivor...

I say enough,,,,enough for you and enough for me...there are no wounds for you, there are no wounds for me.

Life is understood better now, life is lived full. No more blame, no more pain...not for me,,,,not anymore.

Tally

2010-05-28T00:17:00.000-05:00

Keeping One, Running it over and over in my mind and even on paper.

The same abuse, the same offense, the same injustice, the same neglect....the same echo of self loathing.

Keeping a Tally of all the people who hurt me, did not like me, were in different to my needs, gossip I have heard about me, moments of scapegoat....

If this Tally is what I see, I hear
If this Tally is what I feel,
If this Tally is what I believe....

Then it is in FACT what I see, feel, become, and I am.

Keeping a Tally of , Love Moments, Love Ideas, Love Feelings, Love Projection, Love Interpretation, Love Belief....

Creates More Of....

What is my Tally Today?

We can have grievances or we can have miracles...Marianne Williamson "A Return To Love"

What?

2010-05-13T15:01:00.000-05:00

an apology? Are you kidding?

All these years and all these tears.

For a long time I have lived in a place in my heart that was really ok with never getting one of those....

I have had no angst about you admitting to your behavior or validating what I know to be the truth. I have held a tremendous amount of compassion for your part in our experiences together. I have even reached out to you in support, love and respect even though it was not returned. This did not matter to me and I have been free from resentment that I was the one doing the reaching out.

This has been my place all these years and now,,,,now,,,,,you talk about feeling remorse? Not sleeping because of your memories?

All the vile torturous things you inflicted onto me would go without validation from you, go without an apology for your affect on me.

Now I hear you speak of pain for another child whose "injuries" were not so obvious.

I am instantly thrown into a blender of emotion. Are you seriously talking about saying I'm sorry....to him! What about ME! I was the one running to rescue the other 5, I was the one who did not mind that you turned your abuse onto me, I wanted the others to get away safely.

Seeing you struggle with remorse I also feel empathy and understanding towards you and the journey you are having in all of this. I see your painful human experience and I want to offer support. I also understand your need to take it slow and look at the "easier" offenses first.

The most dominant emotion and thought is one of resistance for the day you might consider apologizing to me. Don't screw up my system and all that I have done to cope with my experiences with you. I have found this comfortable place that holds me gently, contently and with wonderful resolve....resolve that you would never acknowledge the great wrongs that occurred, the offenses of mother against child, the evil possession that took over the most natural instinct in the world,,,,the instinct to hold, to content, to attend, to care for, to love, to bless, to whisper adoring messages into the child that you birthed and shared in it's creation.

If you would apologize, my whole beloved Psyche would be thrown off kilter. I'm not quite sure why, I just know that it would be...and it would be something awful.

If you apologize for the mental torture, the emotional holocaust, the physical scars and my soul....let's not forget to discuss all of the years I have spent gathering, hunting, retrieving and praying for my soul to return to me as whole as possible.

I've worked my ass off to resemble somewhat of a "normal" human being who functions in my own space with beauty and respect as well as attempting to be a helpful part of this world, an intimate partner for a lucky man and a generous, loving, healthy parent to my amazing children.

If you apologize, then somehow that gets shaken....

I can't have that, I can not risk your apology breaking down my reality. The reality that I built without your help.

No you can not apologize to me.

Go away now,,,,I like you better in your denial. That I know, that I am familiar with, that I have learned to cope with and be truly content. I don't want to change the rules. So leave the rules the way they are.

Keep your apology....please.

Get the F Away!

2010-05-12T18:53:00.000-05:00

If I keep you away then I can not be confronted.

If I push hard then I won't be wrong,,,,you see.

If I speak with creative words of diversion or if I swish past you with a distracting comment, I can get away.....away from my fears.

If I try to make you stupid or incompetent then I am free from guilt.....so I believe.

If you talk about injustice that is coming from someone else, I will defend you, then,,,,I will turn around and unjust onto you.

Why do I continue to suffocate myself with critic, why do I continue to suffocate you with critic, with projection of my pain and insecurity.

I am an echo of the drama side of life through my intimacy in others?

When will I stop needing to punish myself by pushing you away and running us both into hell.

When will I realize that living from love is easier.....really easier....

When

No Right!

2010-05-08T09:16:00.000-05:00

I begged, pleaded, demanded, cried, stomped my feet and used all of my BEST manipulation to get you to be who I wanted you to be.

One more day to be "alone", one more day to "miss" having someone in my life....

I couldn't take it anymore so I grabbed on to you with a dream in my head and a desperation in my heart.

I had no right to ask you to be anyone but who you are.

You bragged about being a drunk, I thought oh how cute and he really can't mean it....can he?

You felt proud to be a child of a rich woman who neglected you, was prejudice and insulting to you, I thought how aweful....I'll show him how to heal those wounds.

You acted like a helpless person against anyone who asked you to do something for them even though they had been abusive and using of you in the past. You seemed helpless to say no....I thought, I'll protect you.

I begged you to be different, I hollored at you for all of the "obvious" horror in your life, I screamed at you to talk to me about your wounds so I could fix them, I cried and pleaded for you to love me.....

I had no right.....

I was desperate, I couldn't say no, I had no sense of boundary, I did not know who I was enough to pick a good partner for me.....and....you were a good partner for me because that is who I needed to see inside of me.

I crashed, I burned, I changed....I had to or I would have completely died inside. I pray you are better for knowing me, I know I am better for trying to save you because I ended up having to save me.

I had no right to ask anything of you and for that I am truly sorry.

In the end I had to ask "it" of myself: Love me, respect me, say no without feeling guilt, talk to me, sit with me, protect me, honor me, treat me with dignity....love me, choose me.

Peace.

The Truth

2010-05-07T22:55:00.000-05:00

I talk about the truth all the time,,,,but do I really know mine???

Well here it is….

The truth is :
I don’t want to be responsible for my life

I want you to make me feel “good” about myself

I will bitch about the outside world and talk about what is "wrong" so I don't have to look at what's "wrong" inside of me.

I am not committed to doing this on my own, that would take responsibility, self care, self reliance and self respect

I want to be careless with money and have no consequences, careless with food and not be ill or fat, careless with friendships but still be cared for.

I am attached to things but I want to be deeply spiritual

I want to use you for love, sex and play time without having to pay attention to your real needs

I don’t want to be responsible for my life, I want a man, a donut, a spiritual experience or a new shirt to distract me from my resistance to living...really living

The truth is I am 12 years old and I am having a huge fit!!

My life is a big ball of reacting ego

I have asked myself many times if what I am seeing is yours or mine....

I am the one reacting!!!

My Greatest Work

2010-04-25T11:44:00.000-05:00

Life lost does not crumble in a day.

It's me that has decided to reinforce the belief that I am a Fuck Up, That I am a complete failure, that I am ugly and that i have no self control.....and most of all that I am a whore.

I am the one who has continued to act and co act with you in self destructive ways. My greatest work of all times in the name of slow self destructive death.....my last marriage.

This is my darkest addiction, the addiction to fail, to be less than, to feel bad.

See, I told you, I AM a fuck up, I am a fake, a whore, I am not worthy of this thing called Love!! I have proof, look what I just did! Look what what you just did to me!

Desperately hanging onto my Hell brings some sense of comfort, like an old banky....that I never had, so I created a banky, one that feels warm even though it is full of magits and fleas. It was my comfort, it was my "normal", it was my sense of safety. This I was taught, This I believed and this I want to go back to.

Hanging on for dear life to my Hell for a false sense of security and familiar, ahhh there I feel normal again when things are bad, when life is chaotic, when you are distant and angry with me, when our relationship is in turmoil, when I have to do all the work because you....well, you don't have to.

By all means don't try to bring me "flowers" and show me something different,,,,well that is just too scary....I don't know that world and I am not sure I want to walk blindly into the light.

That is what it would take for me to burn the old banky,,,,,walk slowly into the light,,,,blindly,,,,,submit, relax, receive, announce, claim, believe and breathe.....

Ah, I see, there is another....way.....an option. I've seen this before, I've been there and lived from there as well as I could then. Do it again, more, in grace and consistence. Believe now, do it with fervor, with greatness, with worth through my Gods eyes. I know these eyes, I've looked through them before, then look again- now. I've lived from my God Heart as well as I could then, do it now-more.

Uncomfortable? Get Comfortable!

Before Now

2010-04-23T21:59:00.000-05:00

When will I choose,,,when will I immerse myself so deeply into Love that it is all that I see?

I am ready now, ready for Love,,,,

I have felt love and even know being in love without another person standing in front of me...so what else is there? a more perfect place of being love?

Am I really ready? Can I ever really be ready?

I do know that before now it was your fault. You hurt me and you tortured me. You abandoned me and you didn't care.

Before now I have had all these distractions and lots more so I would not have to really dig deep and live Love.

What does that mean anyway? Living from, as, being Love?

How do I respond in this world as, in and being Love?

Does it mean that the man that tells me I have nice tits should be responded to, ignored or punched?

Does it mean that when my friend tells me she is doing something that goes against nature I should say, I love you, follow your path, do what you feel is right or is being love to say "Are you nuts!?"

Does it mean letting my father off the hook and telling him I understand his lack of reactions to abuse were ok and part of my journey or should I call neglect neglect and speak from my experience with him as a lacking parent? Does telling him everything is right and perfect according to some universal plan make my pain go away, does it make my struggle to connect with others any less difficult?

Does it mean that when my husband lies to me I tell him I understand and it does not affect my day, does it mean when he cheats on me I understand, love him and talk about power issues and support him to live a cleaner life? and what if he doesn't want a "cleaner" life and I do, does that mean I leave, does it mean I stay and I pray to be more loving? Where is the line and is there a line?

Do I get angry? Do I set boundaries? Are boundaries Real?

If I believe only in love and that is who and what I am then that is all that I see, breathe, and manifest? AND if that is true then why do I see angry people, drivers who I am startled by and why am I lonely?

If I really believe, would I feel love all the time? Know love all the time?

I am ready now, to be, see and feel only love, it is all that I beleive, it is the only truth....really.?

Friends

2010-04-21T20:03:00.000-05:00

I told you and I can proove it.
See, I am right.

The facts are here and I'll come back with every comment you have with what you belive is right, but aha, I have more to say AND I have better facts AND I'll tell you over and over AND in different ways until you feel beat down and conceed to me.....or at least stop telling me what you think.

There, breathe, this is resolved, at least you have stopped talking and I gave the last point on this subject.

There, see, I know better and I know more and I AM right!

Whewww, another perspective about life, nature, spirituality or relationship....known better because I say so.

I am right .......and now I have no friends.....but at least I am right.....hmmmmm

Pieces

2010-04-15T02:08:00.001-05:00

I sit here so clearly aware of the agreements I made with others who were unable to show compassion for my souls learning. People who really didn't care that I am on a journey. Those who were incapable of loving me. Instead using me for their fix, their desperation, their parasitic perception of need.

I wish to go back now and pick up the pieces of me that I left along the way, the pieces that said I had no value unless you needed something from me.

I wish to go back and gather up the pieces of me that I gave to you that said I have no way of knowing who I am unless you tell me.

The pieces of me that I surrendered to your will. The pieces that tell me what I am & all of what I am not.

The pieces of me that knew the truth of love, the pieces that held no other agenda or concern but my best interest.....those pieces that I ignored.

Do you know what that feels like? To be loved so greatly that the person who is loving you has no interest in wanting from you? Do you know what it feels like to love someone else with such grand lack of agenda?

I will and I see glimpses of that love. My heart remembers from a greater place than this what that love feels like.

I wish to go back and pick up those pieces of me that I strewn along the way so carelessly and so ignorant of the damage I caused to me, the damage that I caused to you.

For this I am sorry and for this I am grateful to be able to get back in new order what I put out of order.

Blessings on my journey of recovery, the recovery of my pieces.... good pieces, broken pieces, glued pieces,,, and new pieces.

Volume Control

2010-04-15T01:37:00.000-05:00

What I learned from my Dad….

I learned to be ….Passive Aggressive ~ I learned to be Diplomatic
I learned to run when things get tuff ~ I learned when to pick my battles
I learned to Gossip about Others ~ I learned to talk about what bothers me
I learned to Project my idea of weakness onto others ~ I learned to notice when things around me are not in balance
I learned to ignore really bad things happening around me ~ I learned to be in myself so I don’t become harmed by really bad things happening around me

I learned to play with people that I am not living with ~ I learned to take care of myself when I need time away from people I live with.
I learned to be in denial of my reality ~ I learned to choose my reality
I learned to be a hypocrite ~ I learned to think for myself
I learned to blame other people for my problems ~ I learned that it is not all my fault

I learned that I can’t ~ I learned that I am creative
I learned to abandon people that I Love ~ I learned to walk away when I can’t be present anymore

I learned to be a coward ~ I learned to compromise
I learned to not help people around me ~ I learned that I don’t always know what to do

By example, I learned all of these things and more from my Dad.
…… learned, who I am….

Oh and one more thing!! I learned that the volume control needs to be turned up to function more actively ~ I learned the volume control needs to be turned down to function more lovingly….

Pick Me Pick Me!

2010-04-05T17:36:00.000-05:00

I'll Push & Pull and never let you get close,

I'll Obsess with a Critic Format....everything you do is wrong.

I give away too much of myself without you asking me to, while I take over your life, and the Bonus is, I'll resent you for it.

I won't practice what works well for me & then I Get Moody because I'm not Taking Care of Me....

I want to Be In Control and then I'll Bitch when you let me.

Rescue Me from my Believed Misery but your ideas are stupid.

Be My World, in the way that I say...

I am Impossible to be with and yet I claim to know it all in relationship and I'll tell you so....

Protect Me, Defend Me, but I Don't Need You!!

Pick Me, Pick Me....

Thank the Rapist

2010-03-21T23:55:00.001-05:00

If this universe is based on balance....Karma....then how grateful are we for the people who hold the "dark" side of this balance.

What a tough job it is for the derelict, the pervert, the murderer. What a tough job it is to echo to us the possibility that we all have to act in the dark side of the balance.

How great it is that we can witness the balance that we are capable of without needing to experience it first hand.

Are we really that different?

Can we know heaven without watching hell, do we know Love without hearing of the pervert behavior, can we know peace without brushing up against rage?

Thank you for showing me all sides to life and thank you for doing your job in this world full of judgment, hatred and critical projection.

Rather than be afraid of what we see, why not be thankful for the echo of our possibility and thankful for the person who lives the dark so we can know the light.

Peace and Love, Renee Fire Eagle Woman

Day One

2009-10-03T23:55:00.000-05:00

Just when i believe that I have"made" it,,,,another day comes and the wings I felt soaring yesterday, today feel broken....I am learning to fly in grace. Maybe this is what "it" is about....the grace not the flight.